When Masculine Presence emerges from crisis.

Back in 2022 Guild of Dads had been going three years.

I had a ton of awesome podcast episodes under my belt, had run mens and dads groups for a number of years and coached men alongside my day job in engineering.

Which was challenging to say the least, eking every last drop out of the 24 hours we all have in a day.

I was running on fumes a lot of the time and the cracks were beginning to appear.

It was around about that time that my impending burn out collided with something altogether different…………a family member with a deteriorating health condition.

When their struggles became apparent, I embarked upon what most men would do in the same situation.

I tried to fix things.

We have a natural tendency to want to protect, defend, take away pain, problem solve, and come up with solutions. In fact, I’d argue that this is one of our superpowers and something we shouldn’t be ashamed of.

However as the days, weeks and months rolled by in 2022 I realised that there was no cavalry, nobody coming to help us with the situation we found ourselves in, and the more and more I threw every ounce of energy behind coming up with solutions, researching the subject and coming at it every which way……………the more elusive it became.

I also became quite angry and frustrated at the situation we found ourselves in, as it seemed to be that every single time a door opened it was just as quickly being slammed in our faces.

Which draws me back to a quote which I’ve heard many times over the years (I’ve paraphrased it):

My life changed when I realised there was no cavalry coming to rescue me and the only one capable of confronting the things in my life that needed changing and address them head on was me. It’s always been that way, and it will always be that way.

Hard to hear but devastatingly empowering.

The more and more frustrated, demoralised and exhausted I got in trying to find a solution, the more useless I became to those around me that depended on me.

I’d become obsessed with finding a solution. Note to self – Hyperfocus might be a great ADHD trait but not all the time!

In the end I was forced to surrender because no solution or fix was available – well not immediately anyway.

So I had to sit with this fact, make peace with it and slow down.

I’d become so fixated on working things out that when I backed off the realisation came that much of my strength and usefulness came via the simple act of being present.

This is when I accidentally stumbled upon what I now call Masculine Presence.

It’s also when I cut out a lot of the ‘noise’ that had pervaded my life and stuff that simply added no value so I could focus on what was important.

So let me tell you a bit about my experience of Masculine Presence:

• It emerges in a place where there may be no solution forthcoming or clear pathway forward.

• It doesn’t involve throwing hell fire missiles of pragmatism and logic at a problem.

• It doesn’t involve being bullish or pushy in order to get things done or force a solution where there is none at the time.

What it does involve is:

• Standing steadfast as the storm battering the coastline of your family does its worst, and knowing you will hold firm and be patient in the face of it.

• Having faith in those quiet moments of stillness, that insight creativity and solutions will begin to show themselves without being forced to do so.

• Taking slow steps day by day, guiding and patiently moving forward so you can rise to fight another day the next day.

• Removing noise and distraction from your life so you can be present with yourself but also those around you.

Much of this is surrendering to what is, rather than what you would wish it to be.

Concentrating on things that are in your control.

It’s from this place that wisdom, poise, patience, self-acceptance and self-compassion emerge.

When this emerges your family will get the man they have been looking for that can lead them to brighter days ahead.

It’s from this place we can also find the peace to work through things rather than go to battle with them.

I’d love to hear some of the ways you’ve coped with pressures that have gone on long periods of time and what you learnt from it.

Let me know in the comments below.